Purely Gibberish: January 2007

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

A Survey? Ohhhh well... :)

1. Do you know where your sisters are right now?
One in UMS, Sabah and another one in Nursing college in Terengganu. Though I don't really know where EXACTLY. :)

2. Last time you hugged someone?
Yesterday *wink*wink.

3. What is something you've learned about yourself recently?
I am emotionally unstable...heh, though it's not actually a recently known fact. Okay, hrmm..I am afraid of becoming a doctor-for real!

4. What color is your watch?
It's black and it's actually men's watch :)

5. Do you like anyone?
I wish I am not...sigh...I am trying not to though! :)

6. Are you close to your mom?
Definitely, no question about that!

7. Where do you work?
Not yet!

8. What are you listening to right now?
Bad day, Daniel Powter

9.what do you smell like?
Cocoa Butter and Mallow, I smell like yummy pastries :)

10. What color are your pants/jeans?
Pink! I am in my pj, so excuse the colour :D

11. Closest thing to your left?
My ripped heart. Haha..well, piles of books actually.

12. What color is your bedroom flooring?
Fade greenish carpet.

13. Do you have a chair in your room?
One for the study table, one yellow stool and one yellow bean-bag.

14. Time you were born?
8:14pm

15. Do you know anyone who is engaged?
Yerp, my 5th year senior.

16. What's your favorite number?
Well, it depends on my mood. Sometimes it's 7 or sometimes it could be 4 or sometimes I just don't bother.

17. Do you know someone named Lori?
I know a vehicle named Lori! Aahahahahah!! Nope, no such person.

18. What color is your mom's hair?
For me to know, for you NOT to find out.

19. Do you have a dog?
Dog? There is one in the neighbourhood that loves to follow me around. I called him Dog. Hehe :D

20. Do you remember singing any songs as a kid?
Yerp...."Go Go Powerrr Rangerrrssss!!!"

21. When was the last time you went swimming?
Gazillion years ago. Heh.

22. When was the last time you talked to one of your siblings?
OMG, it's a month ago...already?!

23. Do you play an instrument?
If I were to play a recorder, it would end up sounded like a dog wailing; that explains everything isn't it?

25. Do you like fire?
Fire! Yeay! Let it Burn!

26. Are you allergic to anything?
Dust, pollen.....errr...that person :)

27. What is one thing you miss about your past?
The innocence of a high school girl- I miss my crazy friends as well. Gosh, wish I could turn back time.. :(

28. Has anyone recently told you that they like you?
Like me?? Hahhahahahahahahahahahahahah! Like me??? Ahahahahahahahahahha!! No.

29. What are you looking forward to?
Better tomorrow of course!! :)

30. How are you today?
In agony, I miss a lot of people. Sigh... :(

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Omg, I cried when I watched this clip. Huhu~ I miss my dad... :(
It's Star, by Reamonn.
Enjoy!

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

I Met A Stranger. I Love.

I went to a movie screening last night- it wasn't in a cinema, mind you. It was in a lecture theater instead. I've never been to a cinema before and based on last nights' experience, I don't think I would like to be in one (please, somebody prove me wrong here!). Okay, basically watching a movie with too many strangers is just unacceptable. I just couldn't tolerate with it - whatever I was experiencing at that time. I could even sensed that my ears started to heat up, a good physiological indicator telling me that I am very, very angry. The problem was, someone on the top row was actually having a conversation, right in the middle of the movie(?!) That's just unacceptable- for me at least.

"Hey people at the back, stop talking, please? Jezz, somebody is trying to concentrate here!", my head kept screaming these. Yes, nobody heard me obviously. And I was deeply annoyed up to a point I'd really want to scream the words outloud- I even secretly pictured the scene, over and over again- of how I will stomp my foot so loud and so sudden; caught everyone off guard, screaming "shut up!" or whatever; and I was thinking whether I should stormed out of the hall with pride or I should just sit back, continue watching the movie and be satisfied with myself for giving them a piece of my mind. Heh. None of it happened in the end. Of course, I wasn't a drama queen enough to turn the pictorial scene into reality. Thank goodness. :)

Okay, I was over reacting. I beg your pardon. Besides I am just a rookie in this whole cinema-movie thingy; wait, I quit. I shall never go to a cinema. Way better. Haha.

Anyway, now I am getting very confused; Why people want to leave the comfort of their home to actually go and buy expensive movie passes, sat on the most uncomfortable sits, met strangers who happened to be ignorant enough to have a good long chat with their friends during the screening, missing important part if you happened to go out in the middle of the movie to answer natures' call; when you can be at home surrounded with piles of food, the most comfortable duvet and pillows where you can wrapped youself in, and enjoy the movie- I mean actually ENJOY it- cry when you want, laugh when appropriate, and yes, talk if needed without disturbing no one. Oh yeah, just push that pause button whenever you needed the loo, rewind if you miss something or forward if it was too boring. You can't do these in a cinema, can you?

Okay, I am a bit ignorant and selfish. Watching movies in cinema is actually fun, maybe...err..probably, could be? Heh. Must be, or else people will stop going by now.

I went to the library this afternoon to find solace in the surrounding shelves of mind comforting, heart relieving piles of books. Haha. Of course not! I need to kill some time and need a place to hang out as well; so I did the past years questions there. I chose to sit somewhere in the third row table and happily doing what I supposed to, like ~~writing a blog entry on a piece of paper, sheeshh I am so addicted~~ answering the questions. Suddenly a lad from the second row table stood up and went to nearby shelves to grab some books. My gaze was actually fixed on him- my my, what a good looking lad indeed. Hahaha. He looked at me a second later probably realized I was drooling all over him; and caught me red-handed. (believe me, I was ready to turn myself in!) He actually smiled, and I smiled back and decided that I'd better look back at my book and ~~wipe those drool from the corner of my lips~~ continue writing.

I end up staring at him most of the time and actually wrote these on a piece of paper; I shall throw up on myself for becoming hopelessly romantic with this perfect stranger.

I like your gesture, cross legged and just relax.
I like it when you were concentrating, busily typing your assignment.
I like that moments you look so tensed that you bit the tip of your thumb or you just rest your head against your left palm- thinking, perhaps.
I like the way your gaze fixed on the monitor.
I like your eyes, although serious there was always a hint of smile in the corner.
I like each time you walk in front of me towards the shelves.
I like the instant when suddenly you took a glimps at me and I saw those eyes smiling again making me blush with shyness.
I like looking at you from behind, you have beautiful broad shoulders.
I like how your honey-coloured hair protrude out from your green snowcap.
I like your fade-blue coloured eyes.
I like your rosy cheek.
I like the sound you made when you cleared your throat.
I like to feel your presence whenever you walked beside me.

.....And suddenly I realized all these while, what I was doing is comparing you to him...blimey!

I am a bit naughty sometimes. :p

Labels: life, love

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

My Dreams Are Traitors!

For these past few days, I would woke up in the middle of the night with racing heartbeats and trembling limbs. My head would be throbbing with pain. Scenes from my dreams though vague and unclear, kept repeating in the back of my mind like a broken VCR. Annoyed and tired from lack of sleep I usually tried to push the obsecure scenes away from my consciousness by grabbing any book nearby and started reading. I would, not long after that get back to sleep but only to find myself as victim of the vicious cycle-again; and again. These whole thing is like a nightmare; somekind of deja-vu.

Dreams can be beautiful and well- dreamy like, if you know what I mean. But, these time around my dreams are like traitors. Brought me to wakefullness when it should've kept me in slumberland. Maybe I am thinking too much about the current situation; what I should do is just to sit back, relax and enjoy the ride! :) Darl, I wasn't worried about the bumpy ride which could hurt me nor that I am afraid of the misleading 'road-signs' that could lead us astray to some unknown places. What I am worried about is, when the moment comes and this ride had arrived to its destination. When both of us have to say our goodbyes and go on our saperate ways. That is what I am worried about; anything else, I'd say, "bring it on!".

Anyway, back to my current topic- the treacherous dreams I've been having. Well, silver linings aren't always clear between those fluffy gray clouds. Good thing about this is I can do a bit of studying now and then. Mom said, do some night prayers too if possible. Okay, Mom! Will try to ;)

Labels: life

Sunday, January 21, 2007

For Crying Out Loud.

I am caught between emotions, needs, wanting and desires. What I want and what I desire is still unclear but the emotions and needs are so deep and kept tugging my little heart. I am caught in the unknown of the present but the future seems so clear. I kept running in this never-ending puzzle yet I know exactly how to get out. How should I untangle these mixed up emotions? Shall I choose good from bad, right from wrong? Maybe what seems to be good and right today might turn the opposite tomorrow. Who knows?

In the end, what will all these bring? Another smile to repay those shedded tears?

3 DOORS DOWN
"Let Me Go"

One more kiss could be the best thing
But one more lie could be the worst
And all these thoughts are never resting
And you're not something I deserve

In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
And this seems real to me

[Chorus]
You love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go
Let me go

I dream ahead to what I hope for
And I turn my back on loving you
How can this love be a good thing
When I know what I'm goin through

In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
And this seems real to me

[Chorus]
You love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
You love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go
Just Let me go...
Let me go

And no matter how hard I try
I can't escape these things inside I know
I knowww..
When all the pieces fall apart
You will be the only one who knows
Who knows

[Chorus]
You love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you don't know Who I am
So let me go
Just let me go

And you love me but you don't
You love me but you don't
You love me but you don't know who I am
And you love me but you don't
You love me but you don't
You love me but you don't know me

Life kept me bewildered by its complexity.

I am above all things, in fact just His servant living my life as what had been written. 'Maktub'.

Gahhhhhhh....! Why do I have to be so selfish all the time?

footnote: my team won the basketball tournament! ^_^

Friday, January 19, 2007

Basketball, A team Manager Point of View.

There will be a basketball tournament on the 20th and guess what- Belle had appointed me to be the team manager! Ahahaha...me? A team manager? I don't even know how to manage my self-most of the time :) Initially, six universities around Ireland were invited; and at the very end only two universities agreed to come. Others, excused themselves with best possible reasons; thus will not be able to make it.....but we will make it as fun even without them! Isn't it right, Belle? :D

Well, even as unorganised as I am, we manage to have one practice session-eh, it was two actually. And tonight there will be a last practice session in the sports hall- before the actual game tomorrow. What? Tomorrow?! Yessarrie~! Can't wait!

There are few things I've learned as 'team manager'. I am responsible to push the start button, unless I want things to be static; e.g. managing practice session, recruiting players for the team (thanks to Kak Sani, now I have more than enough players!) etc. I've learned to be proactive and up to date as I have to book that oh-so -popular -and -always -fully- booked- unless- you-are- quick -enough -but- very-expensive -court in the sports hall and thank heavens Miss Kelly Ellen is one friendly soul I've ever need to deal with; And I've learned that the seniors aren't the people I should hate, fear or run away from. They are very friendly and funny to the core! How I've wasted my time running away from them when they have all the best lessons in life they've learned, ready to be shared. Hey Belle, thanks for the opprtunity~! :)

Wish me-team luck for the game tomorrow!

Today's slogan :Choosy Mothers Choose Farah. (LoL)

p/s: I will miss you all the way through your finals mr square-humble-bee!

Monday, January 15, 2007

Hey!

Hey, don't speculate~! We are just friends!

Peace.

Sunday, January 14, 2007

I have No cOmment On this, But It's ROFL!!!

Saturday, January 13, 2007

You Said.

You said I am too carefree, I love to laugh. I laugh at anything - even serious stuff.

I like it when you said that. I am happy and carefree. Feel like I could fly to wherever I want - whenever I want.

Wish I can laugh my way out through everything, like Med School? Teeheehee, I wish!

==========================================

Living in happiness these pass few days almost made me forget my once a sad life.

Thank You Allah for showering me with Your blessings, forgiveness and rich bounties.

Dear, I've been blessed just by knowing you alone. You really are a gift. Thank you.

I feel so contented.

That's why I cried tears of sadness.

That's why I laugh joyfully. :)

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Hey You Know What?

Just now when we were 'chatting' I was behaving like an idiot (I actually did feel like an idiot), well I don't actually know why honestly - I was feeling happy for a minute, so angry next and felt so deeply somber not a second later. My emotions were all mixed up - - upside down and inside out. I was feeling like I had lost my mind somehow; thus I once again claimed that these all due to PMS. Hehe.

And hey you know what, I accidently found this song not a while later; after I had said goodbye and we've ended our conversation. I've listened to this song before, years ago. I'd say, sometimes whenever I listen to it I would think, "This is a really nice song". I would never have thought that tonight, it describe me-perfectly! Now I know the reason of why I was feeling so crazy... :)

Listen to it, will you?

The Closest Thing to Crazy

Katie Melua

How can I think I'm standing strong,
Yet feel the air beneath my feet?
How can happiness feel so wrong?
How can misery feel so sweet?
How can you let me watch you sleep,
Then break my dreams the way you do?
How can I have got in so deep?
Why did I fall in love with you?

CHORUS:
This is the closest thing to crazy I have ever been
Feeling twenty-two, acting seventeen,
This is the nearest thing to crazy I have ever known,
I was never crazy on my own…
And now I know that there's a link between the two,
Being close to craziness and being close to you.

How can you make me fall apart
Then break my fall with loving lies?
It's so easy to break a heart;
It's so easy to close your eyes.
How can you treat me like a child
Yet like a child I yearn for you?
How can anyone feel so wild?
How can anyone feel so blue?

CHORUS

...and being close to you
...and being close to you.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Ups And Downs of Life.

You know what happened yesterday? School started of course! What is the best subject to mark the starting point of this term? Well, it's my favourite subject ever in third year; Behavioural Science of course! *sarcasm* Anyway, I manage NOT to fall asleep during the cruciating hour of lecture though some had the most wonderful nap in their life. Ohhh how I envy them! :p

Before class I met Esther and gave her the scarf that I bought in Dublin. She liked it, Yeay!! Sorry Es, a very2 late birthday prezzie from me - - a month late! It almost drove me crazy looking around for something special for you! ;)

Right after class Eamonn said hi to me and the usual how are you doing, how's your holiday q's...(eamonn said "HI" to ME?...awhhhhh I'm in cloud 9). Ohh he is looking good as usual *wink*wink. He told me that he went skiing in France during the holiday and I said I went to Italy. Then, I gave him a 'Leaning Tower of Pisa' keychain. He immediately put it together with his bunch of keys and said thanks with that oh so cuteeeee boyish grin! I think Eamonn will never look old even when he is 40. Well, I shall find out if this theory is correct hrmmm....18 years later. Teeheehee.

I met Nora next and gave her the murano glass earring I bought in Italy and prayed that I nailed the right colour for her-it's baby blue and I think it matches the colour of her eyes. She said she liked it when she took it out from the small wrapper. Later at 7pm, she texted me to say thank you (again) and she said she LOVEEEED it and baby blue really is her colour. Tehehee.. Anything for you Nodsy dear!

Hey, before I left the lecture hall, guess who said hi to me? Mr. Adam Eddie of course! We gave each other a 'long' hug- long here meaning he had to stretch down and I had to stretch up before we could really hug each other. But it was a quick one actually. Heh, thank GOD he look smart; clean-shaved face and 'just-right' short hair - not a really really short military like as he once had - I just HATE that haircut! Adam and I had talked a bit, and yeah I gave him a keychain as well. Teheehee. I had to rush back home so I said bye2.

I was a santa claus yesterday. Not looking like fatty beardy uncle with red jacket and raindeer sleigh, but I act like one. And I feel great too!

Ohh, this morning I woke up with most unhappy feeling ever and I wonder why. One of the reason is I HAD to chat with the most annoying person in the world and whom is now I am permanently invisible with. Haha! Well, that wasn't the only reason. Guess what, it's just that time of the month when my old friend PMS come to give me a visit. I am sorry to those victims of my monsterous behaviour, and hey that includes you.

Hope you're not feeling down anymore- hey it's not fair, boys don't have PMS! :p

Oh, I am sorry about that photo incident last night. I wish you happiness for today and days ahead! :)

p/s: Life is great! Don't you think so?

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Did I Sign in For an Ultimate Heartbreak?

My mind says: "yes you are, like...duhhhh!"

My heart says: "love always hurt and it'll hurt you deep"

She said: "maybe, so be careful, you're not sure whether he is for real or not"

They said: "heartbreak could be unbelievably painful, just know that we will always be by your side"

Voila, after 3 days 'escaping' away from these confusing thoughts and stupid "feelings" and have a great weekend in Dublin City, again I am back in this place - confused, and currently in agony of waiting. You were so happy this morning and tonight you weren't even around the chatroom and you didn't even reply to any of my text messages. It hurt me - deep.

I am not forcing you to decide nor am I expecting you to choose. I don't know what I want eventually but for right now I just want -- well, a shoulder to cry on. It used to be you and now you are no where to be found.

|9th Jan 07|
p/s: I don't want to publish this entry, but you said I should - - as a reminder! Ahaha... I am so sorry I deleted you AGAIN that night. Shame on ME! :)

Thursday, January 04, 2007

1...2...3....testing.

Okay, reality check. Are these for real? Even as I read the words, none of it make any perfect sense to me. No sense at all. I cannot possibly digest this information; everything seems so unreal. These....these whole experiences had managed to knock all my senses out of their orbits and now they are scattering about in the massive space of illusion. You can tell me now that cows have wings and they can fly, and I'd probably would believe that more than I can believe "this truth" I've learned.

Am I dreaming or am I now in a state of self-created delusion-a terrible one in fact that I cannot differentiate what is real and what is not. I am not making this up am I? Who knows, probably I was too afraid or trying to shut myself from the actual truth, that I've created this imagination. A world where I can feel no pain of rejection, nor saddened by utter loneliness.

(I am definitely not imagining it, the words are right here, right in front of me!)

Ouchh..it hurts when I pinch my cheek-I did it twice, just to be certain. Actually, I shouldn't be doing this on myself should I? Haha. I am desperate, you get the point right? I just couldn't believe it. A dream come true, yet still feel like a dream. I can feel my heart beating; hastened a bit when I read that one single line. Skipped a beat when I thought of the actual person who wrote that single provoking line.

This is a complete madness; which I readily jump into when I wrote that entry yesterday. Madness that I would want to explore, yet too afraid to start the first step. I can hear a loud cheer of celebration on the other end of the line, but I am afraid of the obstacles that awaits me; along my journey towards that end.

For the time being, I'd better just hold on to whatever is near to me and weep my tears of joy. Thank you for....everything.

footnote: these all are interior monologue that the writer is having as she read the YM archive messeges stored in her computer. Ignore her madness-for she is now really in a serious state of delusion.

Peace.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

You Want to Know Why Exactly??

Dear,

Funny you should ask me "that question" because "that question" had been bothering my mind for quite some time now. Thinking each time when "that question" slip its way towards my consciousness and if I tell you the truth about it, I will joepardize this whole friendship. So, whenever "that question" pops up, I'd shut my mind off doing something else that can make me- not to think about it. A t a l l. But when you asked me "that question" this morning, I can't help myself but to wonder; "Did I manage to shut it off my mind, ever?". I realize, I never did.

Seriously, you're one of the most important person in my life. Serious enough to confess that one of the reason I turn on my laptop each morning is just to see you online. Serious enough to admit that I actually feel sad and whenever you're not around. You've given me more than enough reason to smile just when you said "hi".

You're like a gift from the Lord. Comforting me when things get rough. Giving me enough courage to make me feel I can face anything. Believe in me even when nobody else did. Each time you're there for me and listening to my stupid ramblings, I just want to get down on my knee and cry. I can never give enough of my most sincere prayer to the Lord for giving me this chance to know such person whom I think I don't deserve-at all.

I am not questioning why but I just cannot grasp the reality. How such a wonderful person kept standing by me-through tears and joy. We're even hardly know each other! (1 year 8 days as of today-to be exact). And yet, you're so utterly sweet and understanding as if you've known me for your whole life.

Somehow and during those times you were sincerely being a friend to me, I secretly fell for you. I felt that somehow I've betrayed that beautiful friendship and I can't help but to feel disgust and angry for what I am feeling. There you are offering me your kinship with the purest intention and here I am ruining that beautiful friendship with this shameful lust towards you. I can't help it but to feel guilty-I've betrayed your trust.

I felt guilty enough that last night I deleted you from my messenger list. That my friend, is the exact reason you're looking for. I wish I can hide it, but the more I tried the guiltier I felt.

There. I don't know what to expect from this but I pray for the best outcome. I am sorry.

(wish I can call you instead and say these but I didn't have the courage to. Haha)

Monday, January 01, 2007

...And A Happy New Year...

Last night as I was buried deeply in slumber, some people here in Galway were celebrating the new year. I was awaken by a loud 'pop pop' of firecrackers and went back to sleep not a second later. So, it is the new year already. 1st January 2007 mark a new start for most of human population on earth. Everyone starts a new resolution to change themselves, looking back and see what they have achieved. Some can smile and feel proud as they had managed to fulfill even one single unimportant 2006-new-year-resolution. Others were entangled in their anger and frustration for not able to follow their own goals and fail to complete their 2006- new-year- resolution checklists. You perfectionists you! Haha..

For overly in love couples, this is the time to renew the vow you've made last year-I wish you joy and happiness for the years to come. Laugh, tease, fight, argue and fall in love all over again. Do whatever you have to do to keep that love blossoming because you don't know what challenges are up ahead this year.

For us singles and not ready to mingle or perhaps too flirtatious or too adventurous to be held-back in a relationship-cheers to us for not being 'man-dependent' to go through another year. Heh. You all deserve a pat on your shoulder. Congratulations :) What I'm not so proud of (but still have to admit) are the times I sank in loneliness and wish I have someone to love. Hope I'll have less of that moments to look forward to this year.

For dear friends you've got to know recently during a trip or those bestest friends you've known for all of your lives, new year signalize a new beginning to refresh those bonds you have tied together. Friends are more precious than gold aren't they? Who else are with you when you're in sadness and joy if it weren't your family and friends. Bless all friends in the world. And for any loner, learn the joy of having a friend and you'll never be alone anymore. A new year is a good time to start isn't it?

This is the time when we should take a last glance of the past, indulge in the present and pray for the future. Cherish all the good times you've had. Forget all the sorrows and pain. Let the bygone be bygone. What happened in the past will always be written in the past as memories and learned experiences. The main important thing is : LEARN from not only your mistakes but also achievements! Strive for a better tomorrow.

For me, 2006 had been a year full of drama and emotions-far greater than any other previous years.
*Lost love and new found admiration.
*Wraths and anger management skills-something I that I have to learn most. :)
*Pluto that rule my star-sign had been castaway from list of planets. I wept for this lost.
*Friends that are never forgotten but they kept missing in action. Where are you guys?? (Syikin, Sue, Dayah, Aimmi, Sharul, Lili, Fara, Jas, Yan, Wanie, Atie, Yus, Fiza, Lin, Fieza, Linda Degerth(I miss you so much!!), Baya, Asnida Asnawi(where are you??), Suliza, Piqah, Kak Ina ATMA, Balqis, Nadia, Raynu, NurHerdawati( I badly want to see you again)...this list is endless you see..but my friends I hope I can hear from you guys soon)
*Crushes lists that kept building up, though some names had to be erased-permanently.
*Increasing numbers of places visited-hope I can achieve my dream to travel all around the world! ^_^
*I went ice skating for the first time-YEAYYY!!
*I achieved my high-school dreams; to climb mount Kinabalu and have European friends. Hehe.
*Went to Poland (!!) for a class-trip.
*I bought my dear camera-love it!
*My wrist-watch broke and still I haven't bought a new one. :(
*We moved to a new house just across the street from the old one
*I started writing blog and own a fotopage.
*I did parasailing and river-rafting with him...ehehe
*I made a card for his birthday
*I slept in a room with a snoring dog on the floor when I was in Milan.

I was talking with mom just now and I found out that she had lost her glasses in a taxi. Other than that, everyone else at home is A-okay!

Happy New Year everyone! Hope you'll have a blessed one!! *hugs*