b Purely Gibberish: April 2011

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

same SHIT different year.

So I've had this crush since 2005 - on someone's boyfriend. If I were his girlfriend, I would definitely kill - me; for even trying to chat this guy up in the first place. The problem is, I didn't chat him up. We sort of just clicked. He knows me well and I (convinced myself that I) know him too. So, four years ago I kinda said to him - look, this feelings aren't just passing by, I think I like you more than just 'a friend'. Things didn't really go uphill since, but more the total opposite. So, being a kind hearted person logical person, I put an end to the 'friendship' or whatever we had then. I deleted his number, email address, photos etc. I said the final goodbye with utter determination - NOT to have anything to do with him again.

It wasn't the best decision but someone have to do it. Someone have to be the mature adult, and I decided that it should be me. Besides, he would still have his girlfriend and who cares if I am left with no one. No surprise I was in agony for years and honestly, I don't know how I went through final year with this shit constantly lingering at the back of my mind.

So four years flew by without any news from either side. Swoooshhhhhhhhh. Don't ask me what happen but I am finding myself in the same SHIT all over again. We are TEXTing and SKYPEing since I don't know when. And for weeks now I realize, I am back where I started four years ago. Missing. Wanting. Hoping. Frustrated little girl wanting something she could never have. Ever.

And yes he is still with the same girl.

Frankly I need to end this shit FOR GOOD.

Saturday, April 02, 2011

Hari ni aku rase serabut macam bulu ayam tercarik-carik. Apetah sebabnye tatau la aku.

Oh mungkin sebab mimpi malam tadi. Ade dua stage mimpi. Satu, member aku clash pastu aku kawen ngan dier. Aku dah lame jatuh hati ngan member aku ni, so memang dah lame aku berharap that this would happen (ahaha!). Tapi dalam mimpi tu 'reality'nye aku tak bahagia pun. Sebabnye aku yang menyebabkan dier clash ngan awek dier yang dah bertahun-tahun bercinta. Rase bersalah siot~
**pastu terbangunand tgk jam pukul 2 pagi and pastu tido balik**

Stage ke-dua mimpi, aku kawen ngan member aku yang kitorang skarang tengah kompius samade dier ni homogay ke tak. Seram dowh. Mak aku dah la sibuk suruh kawen dengan dier. Takut aku, sebab dalam mimpi ni si dia ialah tak gay. Pastu bila bangun serabut sebab tak sabar nak cakap "I love like you!" kat dier.

Eh apesal mimpi bab kawen je ni. Bongok.